Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
