Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
