I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
