my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
