Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
