is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
