Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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