seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
my liver is dry heaving
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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