Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
