On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
