Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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