if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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