Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
