My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
