Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
