I was born with a shot glass in my hand
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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