a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
