i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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