College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
