you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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