i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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