Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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