i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
