There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
