the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
