Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
