I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
