If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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