i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
