i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
