I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
