You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
