I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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