I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
