How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
