He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
