I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
