When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
