so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
