the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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