When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
