You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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