I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
