My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
