How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
