I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
