turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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