He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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