Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
