Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
