i wish starbucks made bloody marys
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
